Cluster F*%k.......Why we love it.

Phew, nearly there, phew, just a bit more. Slack, SLACK! Clip that peg. Thank f*ck. Right, gear in, where? Ahhh, hotaches f*ck, f*ck, fuuuuckk, shit, I think I’m gonna be sick, f*ck, come on you bastards ahhhh god that hurts ahhh come onnnnn! Got to get some gear in. Try this crack. Nope. Ah this looks like a good one, just dig the ice out. Bastard, flared. Try this one, blind. Kick a better stance……there. Right, try this…..yessss. Bomber! Clove hitch on that, clove hitch on the peg, SAFE! Three bits of gear my arse. Two tugs on the rope. Come on. What did he say? He must be off belay now. Take in. Wish I could see him. Wish I could hear him. Ah slack rope. Take in, take in, take in, take in. Where the f*ck am I going to put all this? Sure I climbed farther than that. Tight rope. On belay, climb when ready…………. ON BELAY CLIMB WHEN READY……………. ON F*CKING BELAY…..did he say climbing? Just take in. Yes he’s coming. Ahhh, I can see him. Lets see how he copes with this…... Oh well he is seconding. Here he comes. Nowhere to stand, I’ll just tie him off. Hand the sling over. Any more gear? Nope…. Oh yes just this, sorry. It’s just up there, looks pretty straightforward, on you go. Wait……. WAIT! If you go over this rope and under that one. Oh FFS. Over this one and under that one! Right. Off you go. Watch those crampons, nearly took me eye out! Go on. What is he mincing about at? Hope he gets some gear in soon. Spindrift. Bastard. Straight down me neck. Get this hood up. What the f*ck? Ah. Slings in the way. Just lift them over me head. Oh ffs. Packs in the way. Look at those bastard clouds coming in, hope he hurries up. Think I need a dump. Thwack! F*ck me that hurt, Thwack, if he knocks one more bit of ice down I’m gonna ram this ice axe up his arse! Thwack! BASTARD! Need to swap legs, nope that won’t work, I’ll just turn around, f*cking pack’s in the way again, f*ck it, I’ll just take the pain. WHAT IS HE F*CKIN DOING? He’s stopped now, must be there, oh, moving again, Christ it’s just a stroll, get the f*ck on with it! Hands are getting cold now. Toes are getting cold. Those clouds are moving in. Wonder what time it is? Was that SAFE? WHAT? Can’t see him. Was that two tugs? He must be there by now. I’ll start stripping the belay….. SAFE! Oh well, I heard it that time. OFF BELAY! Wait, WAIT! F*CKIN WAIT WILL YA! SLACK! Ok, get this nut out. Come ooonnnnn yooooo baaaastaaard! There. Take in, TAKE IN, TAKE F*CKIN IN!
CLIMBING! ……………………………….Christ, this is hard.